The Bluffers’ Guide to surviving in Cannes

Are you busy packing your suitcase? Remember that, whether you come to Cannes with a bulging expense account or a shoe-string budget, your most important asset is 'the look’. Get it right and 'the look’ alone can get you into parties and places with no invitation and, more importantly, without parting with any cash. So, city slickers and media moguls beware: on the Croisette your sombre Savile Row suits are simply out of place.

The rules are: if you have it, flaunt it, and if you haven’t, fake it. Essential accessories include to-die-for designer shades, backed up by Cartier gems, and all accentuated with the latest mobile phone model, laptop and any other high-tech gadgetry. C’est obligatoire. Without a doubt, the French are a formidable race. This comes to the fore most noticably when they’re behind the wheel of car. A red traffic light means 'go’ a zebra crossing means 'accelerate’. Don’t think waving a delicate toe over the kerb will persuade anyone to stop. Step out and the chances of being run over are extremely high. And if you do get flattened on the Croisette, your insurance is likely to pick up the bill only if the accident took place on the actual crossing.

Even on foot the French are cunning. Those of you who frequent ski resorts in the Alps will know that this nation has no idea of the definition of the word 'queue’, no matter how French it sounds. The French are experts at getting to the front first. Beware of those dear little old, exceedingly well-dressed ladies— they’re not what they seem. In the blink of an eye they’ll have slipped in front of you. Come to think of it, be doubly wary of tall, beautiful and well-dressed young ladies—more than one delegate has regretted taking their new friend back to a hotel room for a cosy nightcap.

Admittedly, most highly strung high flyers who’ve jetted in to clinch a deal won’t have much time for mingling with the locals. No doubt they’ll be looking to mix with their own in the comfort of the palace hotels.